Time-Out: 15 Tips to Success
Tantrums are a normal part of childhood development, usually between ages 1 and 3 years. They do not mean that a child is “bad” but are simply an expression of frustration in a child that is only partially able to verbally express that frustration. Thus, a more physical expression occurs. The level of tantrum – from mild to huge – depends on the child, and sometimes on the way the parent responds. Lots of attention during tantrums can often lead to larger tantrums. If it is possible to ignore the behavior – leaving the room, using “time-out,” etc, do so. There may be some instances that it is not safe to ignore a child in a tantrum – if there is physical danger near a street, vehicles, stairs, etc, or if a child is hitting, biting, scratching themselves or others.
The method of “time-out” remains one of the best discipline techniques for 2- to 5-year-old children. Some parents become discouraged with time-out. Their child repeats misbehavior immediately after release from time-out. Other children seem to improve temporarily but by the next day are repeating the behavior the parent is trying to stop. Some children refuse to go to time-out or won’t stay there. None of these examples means that time-out should be abandoned. If you use time-out repeatedly, consistently, and correctly, your child will eventually improve.
The following 15 recommendations may help you improve the success of using time-out.
- Give your child more physical affection each day. Be sure your child receives two “time-ins” for every time-out each day. A time-in is a positive, close, brief physical interaction. Try to maintain the positive side of your relationship with your child. Catch him being good. Try to hold your child for 1 or 2 minutes every 15 minutes when he’s not in time-out or misbehaving. Play with your child more. Children who feel neglected or overly criticized don’t want to please their parents.
- Use time-out every time your child engages in the behavior you are trying to change (this is called target behavior). Use time-out more frequently at first. For the first 2 or 3 days you may need to use time-outs many times a day to gain a defiant toddler’s attention. Brief time-outs are harmless and there is no upper limit on how many times you can use them as long as you off-set them with positive interactions.
- Actually use time-out. Don’t just threaten to use time-out and then not follow through. For aggressive behaviors, give no warnings, just put your child in time-out. Better yet, intercept your child when you see her starting to raise her arm or clench her fist, and before she makes others cry. For other behaviors, remind your child of the rule, count to three, and if she doesn’t stop immediately, put her in time-out.
- Put your child in time-out earlier, before his behavior worsens. Your child is more likely to accept a time-out calmly if he’s put in early rather than if he’s put in late (and screaming). Also, putting him in early means you will be more in control of your own emotions. Try to put your child in time-out before you become angry.
- Put your child in time-out quickly. Don’t talk about it first or draw out the process. When your child breaks a rule, have her in time-out within 10 seconds.
- Don’t talk to your child during time-out. Don’t answer his questions or complaints. Don’t try to lecture your child.
- Ignore tantrums in time-out. Don’t insist on quietness during time-out because your child is not in a reasonable frame of mind and it makes it harder to finish the time-out.
- Return your child to time-out if she escapes. Have a back-up plan for further discipline; for example, holding a young child in the time-out chair, or taking away privileges an older child.
- Consider increasing the length of time-out. If your child is over 3 years old and needs to be placed in time-out more than 10 times each day, a longer time-out may be needed to get her attention. A preschooler with a strong-willed temperament may temporarily need a time-out that lasts 2 or 3 minutes per year of her age. Children younger than 3 years should receive only brief time-outs (1 minute per year of age) because it is difficult for them to stay in time-out any longer.
- Make the time-out place more boring. If your child doesn’t seem to mind the time-outs, eliminate sources of entertainment. If you use your child’s bedroom, close the blinds or shades. Make sure that siblings or pets aren’t visiting. Temporarily remove all toys and games from the area and store them elsewhere. My favorite place for time-out is the nearest wall – there is nothing exciting about a wall, and you can use one anywhere. If the time-out place is a certain chair or room, your child may think he can act out in other environments.
- Be kinder in your delivery of time-out. This will help reduce your child’s anger. Say you are sorry he needs a time-out, but be firm about it. Try to handle your child gently rather than yelling when you take him to time-out.
- Praise your child for taking a good time-out. Forgive your child completely when you release her from time-out. Don’t give lectures or ask for an apology. Give your child a clean slate and start over.
- Don’t punish your child for normal expressions of anger. This includes saying she is angry or looking angry.
- Clarify with your child what you want him to do. Also clarify the house rules. Review this at a time when your child is in a good mood. This will help him be more successful.
- Teach all caretakers to use time-out correctly and consistently. Children learn very quickly who will enforce rules and who will not.
Discipline of toddler and preschool-aged children is tough, but consistency is the key. Make rules focused on safety and try to limit the number of rules your child must follow, to encourage success. Change your environment to promote safety if needed – remove temptations to make it easier for your child to comply.
If you do make a rule, stick by it and make sure your child knows and experiences the consequences if it is broken. In my years as a Pediatrician, I have watched countless interactions in which parents tell a child “don’t do that” but never follow through with any consequences. Guess how many times the child “does that” anyway, over and over again? They do not follow the directions because they are not enforced by consequences.
Over time, time-out will be needed less, as your child understands the concept of following rules. Keep in mind, the best thing you can do as a parent is to be consistent with how you handle this process.
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