Siblings: Rivals and Best Friends
My daughter and I recently attended a senior recognition banquet for the mother-daughter philanthropy group that we belong to. It was a time to celebrate the senior girls before they graduate and leave home, and part of this celebration was a chance for the girls to read “thank you” notes they’d written. These were mostly directed towards their mothers, but a few wrote to their sisters as well. A recurring theme was joy in having a “built-in best friend.” The closeness demonstrated by these girls was heartwarming.
The sibling relationship is one that changes significantly over the course of childhood. The character of the relationship can vary depending on many different factors – age gaps, genders, personalities, interests, and parental involvements. Parents of more than one child usually hope for their children to think of one another as “built-in best friends” but this can be a difficult status to attain.
Fostering Sibling Relationships
Make family time a priority. It can be challenging to carve out time in a busy schedule to focus on family interactions, but it is one of the most important things parents can do to foster healthy sibling relationships. Luckily, this can be done in a variety of ways.
- Meal time. Sitting down to eat together has been shown to improve communication and social interactions, and has been connected to improvements in many aspects of children’s lives.
- Plan a movie or game night. Take turns allowing family members to choose activities to do together.
- Cook together. Having children help prepare meals not only creates opportunity for family time but also teaches important life skills and cooperation.
- Volunteer together. Choose a cause your family can all agree to support and go! There are hundreds of ways to volunteer, and this provides important role-modeling opportunities for children along with quality time spent together.
Avoid comparisons. No two individuals are exactly alike, and this can be glaringly apparent in siblings. One may be more talented in sports while another is top of the class in academics; one may be a social butterfly while another has difficulty talking to others in any situation. It is unfortunately very easy to compare siblings but instead try these techniques below.
- Give praise for individual accomplishments. This can be done without involving other siblings, as long as you make a point to acknowledge EACH child for his or her own accomplishment.
- Be fair. Rules should apply equally to each child in the family. While it is okay to have age-based restrictions, be sure these are consistent as children get older.
- Avoid commenting on differences. Children inherently know that they are different from siblings. These differences can cause anxiety and stress if there is a fear of failure to perform as well as a sibling. Do not foster these fears by comparing achievements in front of the children in your family.
One-on-one time. While time spent together as a family is important, one-on-one time between a child and a parent is just as special. These do not have to be big events, but should be worked in to daily or weekly routines as much as possible.
- Bedtime chats. End your day by checking in with a child alone. A struggling teen or young child may not want the entire family – especially siblings – to be aware of issues he or she is dealing with. A quick chat before bedtime can be a safe space to share concerns.
- Walk the dog or take a walk. Getting outside together can foster good opportunities for conversation.
- Go for a meal. Sitting down together to eat without siblings offers an individual experience to open up and talk with a parent without distractions or competitions.
Allow for conflict resolution. No matter how close siblings are, they will not always get along. It is important to allow them to work things out on their own.
- Help them learn to disagree respectfully. Others may not have the same opinions and that is okay! This is an important part of mature communication and social interaction.
- Model good behavior. Adults will not always agree with one another, either. Be sure to model good behavior in conflict resolutions among adults in the household as well.
- Intervene for safety. Physical aggression and verbal assault should never be allowed.
Final thoughts
Sibling relationships are ever-changing but also one of the most important relationships in a child’s life. These form the first peer interactions, the first friendships, and the first opportunities for conflict resolution. As parents, we can either hinder or foster these important bonds by our own behavior and responses to the sibling relationship. It is partly our responsibility to help promote healthy sibling interactions and equip our children for life-long relationship success.
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