Self-Esteem: Building Up Your Child’s Self Worth
Self-esteem is defined as “the confidence in one’s own worth or abilities, or self-respect.” Plainly, it is the way in which a person views oneself, and it can be positive or negative. In children, self-esteem is a core value for motivation in school, achievements in extra-curricular activities, social connections, and resilience in stressful situations or times of failure. It is shaped both by their own thoughts and feelings as well as the expectations and opinions of the important people in their lives – most notably parents, teachers, siblings, friends, and other family members.
12 Traits For Success
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has identified 12 traits needed for children to build healthy self-esteem (see Resources below for full article). Fostering these traits allows a child to see his or her self in a more positive manner, leading to higher self-esteem.
- Security – children need to be certain of their place in the world, particularly in regards to the future and how they will grow and develop over time.
- Belonging – the feeling of being accepted and loved by others begins with family and extends to friends, teammates, neighbors, classmates. Children who do not feel accepted by social groups often feel lonely and unworthy.
- Purpose – development of goals gives individuals purpose and direction in life. It provides a path for the future and sense of achievement. Children who are not encouraged to create and achieve goals often feel adrift and without purpose.
- Personal Competence and Pride – the confidence to meet and conquer challenges develops when a child is given the opportunity to solve issues independently. This in turn gives the child a reason to believe he or she can conquer the next challenge as well. Those who are not given these opportunity are left feeling inadequate and “not enough.”
- Trust – this includes both trust of a parent and trust of self. Keep your word and expect your child to do the same. Follow through on promises and hold your child accountable for them as well. Believe your child is telling the truth unless there is proof otherwise.
- Responsibility – children need the chance to prove themselves capable of tasks and responsibility. Allow them to complete chores and other projects without help unless they ask for it.
- Contribution – family and community activities can foster a sense of worth in contributing.
- Decision-making – allowing independent choice will help children to feel more in control and capable of making good decisions. Start small – clothing choices for toddlers, for example – and grow from there.
- Self-control – independence is developed by opportunities to prove a child can “make it alone.” This is done by giving opportunities to practice self-control through problem solving and processing situations. Giving responsibilities and consequences is a perfect chance to develop self-control.
- Encouragement and Support – positive feedback and recognition by those who are closest to them is necessary to develop positive self-esteem in children. Do not praise only when goals are met but be sure to praise the efforts involved as well.
- Acceptance of Failure – children need to freedom to make mistakes and not be defeated by them. Teach your child that failing to reach a goal is a normal part of life, offer helpful feedback on how to tackle the problem again. Avoid guilt and shame responses. Give children examples from your own life of times you failed and yet overcame.
- Family Pride – a child’s sense of self-esteem begins at home. Families that are proud of their accomplishments and who they are as a unit tend to build up stronger self-esteem in the children. Encourage your children to be proud of the family, to show affection for all family members, to trust and respect one another, and to stick up for one another.
Signs of Low Self-Esteem
While all developing children have periods of self-doubt, including questioning of abilities and worthiness, there are some warning signs of those who are struggling with low self-esteem. Watch for these traits or habits developing in your child, and intervene quickly if you start to see trends occurring in a negative way.
- Quits activities or tasks easily, especially if frustrated.
- Cheats or lies to win a game.
- Inflexible with schedules.
- Regression of behavior, acting much younger than actual age.
- Avoidance of challenges or tasks that may be difficult.
- Making excuses or blaming others for lack of success.
- Poor or declining school performance.
- Mood swings and outbursts.
- Highly critical of self and very sensitive to criticism from others
- Strongly negatively affected by peer influences.
- Withdrawal from typical social activities.
Supporting Your Child
Parents are arguably the most important influences in a child’s life. There are others, of course, including additional family members, siblings, teachers, and coaches. However, you as a parent are a key component of building up your child’s self-esteem. Recognizing this will enable you to approach this in an educated way and increase chance of success.
One of the critical components to helping a child build self-esteem is to foster and prioritize the relationship you have with your child. Treat him or her like an important person, with legitimate opinions and ideas. Spend time with your child, particularly in activities that you both enjoy and that allow him or her to feel successful. Take an interest in what interests them. Along these same lines, build the family relationships up as a whole and be sure your child feels included and like an important member of the family.
Teach your child to feel pride in accomplishments. Tell your child how proud you are of the effort, no matter the outcome.
Say the words “I love you.” They are powerful and while they can be felt through your actions, they need to be heard aloud as well.
Final Thoughts
A good sense of self-esteem is critically important to success in life overall. A child who does not think he is worthy of self-love will not think he is worthy of much else. He will not try new things, will not reach out to others, will not set goals or aspirations. It is vital to cultivate this sense of self-esteem in our children and it starts very early on and develops throughout young adulthood.
I cannot stress enough how much the parent-child relationship affects the development of self-esteem. It is up to us as parents to show our children how important and wonderful they are, so they can see the potential in them that we do.
Go to the recital. Cheer loudly at the game. Help with the schoolwork. Sit quietly side-by-side. Quite simply: be there. In doing so, you will demonstrate their importance to you, and allow that to translate into a strong sense of self-worth that will carry them through the rest of life.
Resources
Healthy Children.org: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Helping-Your-Child-Develop-A-Healthy-Sense-of-Self-Esteem.aspx
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