Nurturing Independence: Surviving the “Three-nager” Period
Each stage of child development has specific characteristics, both positive and negative. Raising infants is a struggle in exhaustion but makes up for it through experiencing the awe that is new life. Teenagers are developing their own identities and opinions that may clash with parental preferences, but it is a joy to watch them become young adults. The preschool age, typically considered to be between the ages of 3-6 years, is no exception to this dynamic struggle in parenting. The term “three-nager” was coined to describe the surge of independence and sudden emotional outbursts that accompanies this age.
Preschool aged children are a delight. They are fun, constantly learning and developing new skills. They are eager to share experiences, opinions, meals, and snuggle time.
Preschool aged children are also a challenge. With that constant development of new skills also comes constant development of personality, and the emergence of opinions and preferences. This age has very little control over their emotions, which often results in tantrums and defiance. The reason behind this lack of control, however, is not a child choosing outright defiance and disrespect, but rather the underlying development of the brain itself.
The brain in a child is constantly molding, shaping, changing, and rewiring. These effects occur based largely on the experience of that particular child. Events – even seemingly simple ones that occur during daily life – spur new pathways in the brain. If these pathways are reinforced by repeated exposures, they begin to shape the personality of the child as he or she matures. As these pathways develop, it is essential that they also begin to integrate, or work together. In preschoolers, however, this process has not yet occurred and they therefore lack control. Sometimes we as parents forget this and become frustrated, so it is important to remember that the brain continues to develop into early adulthood. Of course preschoolers are going to struggle with control – they are still at the beginning of their journey!
So how can we help?
Use routines
Humans are creatures of habit, and these habits are comforting. Children thrive and experience less internal stress in environments where they know what to expect. Providing a routine for your child – and telling him or her as soon as possible when unexpected changes occur – can promote positive mental health.
Creating routines for early morning and bedtime can also be a key way to teach children about rules and expectations. If your family has the same routine for bedtime, for instance, it becomes an expectation: Take a bath, brush teeth, read a story. However, If that routine is deviated from due to choice made by the child, there can be consequences – for instance, if he or she vehemently protests against brushing teeth, there may not be story time later as a result.
Communicate
One of the most important things that parents can do for children of any age is to communicate with them. Tell them what is expected of them, tell them when they are doing well and when they are in the wrong. Just as important is when the parents listen to the child. If you ask the right questions, children will often discuss the ups and downs of their days in great detail. Stick to open-ended questions, such as “what was the best part of your day?” instead of questions that can be answered with a simple “yes,” “no,” or “fine.” If you show interest in your child’s daily experiences, he or she will be more likely to share it and in turn will feel more important and valued, and self-confidence will be increased.
Set limits and expectations
Part of developing expectations involves assigning responsibilities to children. These should be appropriate for age, of course. You would not expect a four year old to do her own laundry…but you can expect her to put her dirty clothes in the hamper after bath time. Giving increasing responsibilities to children promotes self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment.
Along with responsibilities comes predictable outcomes. Young children need limitations and rules, as well as consequences that result from breaking them. These must be simple but concrete and consistent, and a result of defying a known limitation or rule. For example, if a child
Foster independence and friendships
The development of independence is an essential part of child development as a whole. It can be difficult for parents to “let go” and allow this independence to develop. It certainly takes longer to allow a three year old to put on his own jacket, but that same child will appreciate the mastery of that skill when he is in kindergarten and going outside for recess. Independence of tasks comes with practice, patience, and guidance from parents. It is time well-spent.
Children in this age group also have the ability to establish friendships. They have so much fun playing together but often end up with hurt feelings from arguments. Allowing them to work through these with some helpful guidelines can ensure they continue to be able to navigate friendship relationships long-term.
- Encourage understanding of others – “how would you feel if…”
- Use words, not actions for explanations – “I am upset…I am sad…” rather than hitting or biting.
Give them a safety net
It is the job of parents to keep children safe from harm by others, including the adults in their lives. Teaching children to respect adults while also teaching them to be careful of their own safety is tricky but essential. Make sure your child knows that secrets between adults and children are never okay, that certain parts of the body are private and should not be seen or touched by adults except parents (and doctors/nurses when parents are present). Encourage your child to talk to you if he or she is uncomfortable around any adult, even if the cause is uncertain.
In addition, make sure your child knows what to do if he or she is separated from you in a busy or unfamiliar place. The rule at our house was always to “find a Mom or Dad with kids and ask them to help you find me.”
Final thoughts.
It is so rewarding to interact with preschool-aged children. They are vibrant, opinionated, full of energy, and their little personalities are starting to peek through. Granted, all of these traits can also make it somewhat frustrating to deal with this age group, when they are being particularly stubborn in exerting their newly developing independence. As parents, we must find the balance between fostering these new skills of self-realization while also ensuring that children follow rules for safety and respect of others. Remembering that brain development in three to six year olds is ongoing and happening at a rapid pace can help us to remember to give them some guidance and some grace, and hopefully survive the “three-nager” stage with (mostly) fond memories.
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