Anger – It’s Okay to be Mad
Beginning at a very young age, children express anger. You see it in toddlers throwing tantrums, in school age kids lashing out physically, and in both verbal and physical exchanges in teenagers. Children experience anger for many reasons – often when their feelings are hurt, when they don’t get something they want, when they feel left out, and when others treat them poorly.
Anger can also be a result of underlying issues with other mental health disorders, including ADHD, anxiety, learning disorders, or autism. Oftentimes both younger children and teenagers experience frustration in coping with these issues, and therefore manifest in anger instead.
Teach your child to cope
Everyone gets mad at some point. Anger is a natural emotion and should be allowed to be expressed appropriately. It is important to teach your child that is never okay to physically express anger with intent to hurt others – punching, kicking, biting, hitting, etc. It is also not okay to verbally abuse others due to anger. There are ways to help your child cope with anger in a healthy way, though they may look different depending on the age of your child.
Toddlers
Anger in this age group often manifests as aggressive behavior and tantrums, and is usually due to frustration and a developmental lack of self control. Any physically aggressive behavior should be immediately addressed, NOT by reciprocal physical behavior but instead through firm rules and behavior modification.
- Have simple rules. Toddlers thrive when they have guidelines, but they will not know the rules unless they are taught them. On the other hand, too many rules is a recipe for disaster and will increase frustration for both you and your toddler as he or she starts to explore. Make sure rules are simple, easy to follow, and safety-based.
- Distraction is key. When you see your toddler starting to get frustrated or angry, acknowledge the emotion and then introduce another activity (“I know you are upset with these blocks, how about we try coloring now instead.”)
- Intervene when things turn physical. If your toddler hits or bites you or another individual, be quick to tell them “no” firmly and remove them from the environment (ie, your lap or play group). This immediate response makes a lasting impression that physical violence is not allowed and does not lead to what they want.
- Praise good behavior. This is also referred to as “catching them being good” and is a wonderful way to positively reinforce good behavior.
- Practice self-control. If you lash out in anger to your toddler (because let’s be honest, this can be a frustrating age) you are modeling poor behavior. Practice some of the tips below (deep breathing, take a break, etc) to help moderate your response.
Older Children and Teens
- Use your words. Encourage your older child to use words to express feelings and talk to someone about being mad in order to help find a way to fix the problem.
- Breathe. Take several deep breaths before responding when something makes him or her angry.
- Take a break. Count to ten, take a walk, leave the room. Only respond to a situation once the initial anger has lessened.
- Think about it first. Advise your older child to think about ways to fix the problem that don’t involve lashing out at the other person.
- Avoid confrontation. If another child calls names or tries to start a fight, teach your child to stay calm, keep a safe distance, and avoid reciprocating with name-calling or insults.
- Be an example. Just like with toddlers, YOU can model good coping skills for your older child, and in return he or she will model them for peers.
When to worry
In the office, we as Pediatricians often have parental questions about anger and behavior, and most of it is the expression of angry feelings that is developmentally appropriate for the age of the child. This doesn’t mean there are not ways that parents can help mold and modify that behavior (see the bullet points above) but it is not behavior that is worrisome.
There are, unfortunately, some instances when angry behavior is out of control and causes harm to both the child and those around them. Reach out to your child’s Pediatrician if there are repeated instances of physical injury to themselves or others despite intervention. Additionally, there is more cause for concern if your child has been dismissed from a daycare or school setting due to behavior.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder are sometimes diagnosed in children with inappropriate anger responses. Oppositional Defiant Disorder is defined as “persistent symptoms of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behaviors toward authority figures.” Conduct Disorder is a more significant problem, and is defined as “a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age appropriate social rules are violated.” This may include significant aggressive behavior towards people and animals and destruction of property.
These disorders can be managed through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in order to help the child gain more control over his or her actions and emotions. If not dealt with, Conduct Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder will worsen over time and interfere with school, family, and peer relationships, leading to increased anger and worsening behavior in a very unfortunate cycle.
Final thoughts
I have said it several times now – anger is a natural emotion that should be allowed to be expressed in a safe manner. However, this does not happen without parental help. Be aware of your child’s emotional state and be quick to help guide them towards appropriate responses. Help them to recognize when they are feeling out of control and teach them techniques to gain that control back and respond without lashing out at those around them. If they do not learn these skills as children, they will struggle as teens and adults. Ultimately, parents want their children to thrive, but they cannot do so without learning self control when it comes to anger.
Resources
Definitions of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder are from the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition.
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